.....2 weeks...

"There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how".Ryan Adams - Wonderwall (originally by Oasis, but this version is way better)

i haven't added anything to my blahg in a while, but it definitely
isn't because things have been quiet in my life.  actually, the
past 2 weeks have been filled with so many beautiful moments...memories
that will last for a lifetime.



i'm really going to try to get better about keeping this thing
updated...both for my adoring fans (you know who you are!), and for
myself...my life is changing around me every day...and there are
moments that are both beautiful and strange that i want to preserve and
explore.  so here's a little synopsis of what's been goin' on with
DAve lately...



last weekend in lexington, there were tater tots and discussions of
family with rebecca at the Parkette Drive-In on a friday night...tears
on our cheeks and pillows at 2am...cigarettes by a window at
3am...protective arms around me on a baseball field saturday
evening...tears in my eyes during the coolest version of "Orange
Blossom Special" i think i've ever heard...willie and bob and rebecca
on a cool summer evening under the stars...familiar transsexuals
leading a voter registration drive in front of the Kentucky
Theater...privately sharing a public place on a sunday
afternoon...cooking dinner and framing post cards...and playing hooky
on a monday morning because the weekend just wasn't long enough.



wednesday, i got to meet sam, and it was just great.  she's a
wonderful girl who deserves more than she is getting right now. 
we all sat around in my living room...me, beck, sam, and the twelve
pack...discussing how guys really suck sometimes...how love can really
suck sometimes.  i feel so incredibly blessed to have rebecca in
my life...to be sharing something so beautiful with someone so
amazing.  and i was given an incredible collage that meant more to
me than i will ever be able to express.



this past friday evening, beck showed up with a blue mason jar filled
with white roses.  it looked incredible...so did she.  i find
myself thinking about her so much when she is not around. i think about
her eyes...about our conversations...about all of the completely
encompassing moments that we share...and i just long to have her near
me. 



i picked yellow flowers along the roadside on my way home from work for
her, but they were all wilted by the time i got home, and they hadn't
quite recovered by the time she got there...but she loved them
anyway.  we had big plans of cooking for the reunion, but a lack
of garlic powder shelved that idea.  instead, we sat on the couch
together in the dark, curled up under a blanket, watching a movie...and
it felt great.



saturday, i was a little bit nervous on the way to the reunion. but i
was excited, too.  we arrived a little bit late, and made quite an
entrance.  i know i'm exaggerating it in my mind, but it seemed
that when we arrived, the whole place fell silent and every eye was on
us.  then, just as quickly, the conversation resumed.  and
from that moment on, everything just felt so right.  i loved every
minute of it.  i don't think i've ever felt so accepted at my OWN
family reunions...seriously.



i finally got to meet "The Aunts", and they were all as wonderful as
advertised.  they were women of both strength and softness, and i
felt an instant connection.  i got a hug from one of them, but if
she ever does it again, it means i'm dying.  so if i see her
coming towards me with arms open, i'm running.  i was a little bit
nervous about meeting rebecca's brother...afraid he might be very
"brotherly" and protective...like i would probably be...but he was all
smiles.  actually, he seemed almost on the verge of
laughter.  that may have been due to the fact that before beck and
i got there, one of "The Aunts" told him i was pushing 400 pounds, only
had 1 tooth, and she thought it was fake.  i love it.



her Terri-able cousin kept me laughing all day long.  i kept
hearing bits and pieces about owensboro and a concert and nudity, but i
never quite got it all put together.  i think i need the details
of that adventure.  i promise not to post them here...really.



i was most nervous about meeting rebecca's dad.  i was really
looking forward to meeting him, but i was still nervous.  i
thought about having a daughter of my own and meeting a man that is
important to her...a man she is in love with.  how maybe i'd feel
like she didn't need me as much anymore, even though i'd know she still
loves me and needs me as much as ever.  i just wanted so badly to
tell him how much i love his daughter...how i
have her best interests at heart and will never do anything to hurt
her...how precious she is to me.



we didn't really talk very much, but i still felt like everything was
ok.  somehow, i think we understood each other....that maybe the
two of us are a lot alike in our ability to get a feeling about someone
by just being around them...that words aren't always necessary.



i also got to meet her mamaw, and i felt completely honored to be
sitting at the table with her... eating the chicken and dumplings that
she'd made, the likes of which you just can't get anymore...made with
"real chicken".



i just didn't expect to feel so comfortable...so accepted...and i loved
every minute of it.  to meet the people that have shaped the life
of the woman i'm so in love with was just an incredible
experience...one i will remember forever.  and i look forward to
seeing them all again.



that evening, rebecca and i drove up to put my sister's horse back in
the barn. on the way back to the house, rebecca suggested we just keep
driving for a while, which was perfect.  as we rounded the curve
above my house, the moon was just hanging right above the hillside, and
it was breathtaking.  we drove for a while...listening to
music...and just holding on to each other.  it felt absolutely
incredible.  when we got back home, we spread a blanket in the
yard and watched a storm roll in.  at one point, someone drove by,
and we wondered if the people in the car saw us, and if maybe one of
them turned to the other and said, "why don't WE ever get a blanket and just lay in the yard?"



and i liked that thought.  that maybe we inspired someone to go
home, grab a blanket, and hold each other in the yard while the clouds
crept closer.



this weekend, we watched one of the funniest movies i have ever
seen.  "Bad Santa".  we both laughed uncontrollably from
start to finish.  it felt so incredible to be able to share that
experience...laying beside each other, laughing until we hurt.  i
know it may sound strange...talking about sharing a connection while
watching a movie that may have set a record for the most curse words
ever said within a 90 minute period...but there was a comfort in it
that was just absolutely amazing and overwhelming.



on sunday, we had dinner with my mom and sister, and it felt just as
comfortable as when i met her family.  there were moments when
i couldn't get close enough to rebecca.  everything just felt so right.



the photo albums were also dragged out.  i put up a little
resistance, just for show...i really wanted to look at them, too. 
there are some great pictures of my dad when he was younger.  i
think this may have been the first time i've looked at these photo
albums since he died.  i felt a sharp pain of missing him, but i
also felt a closeness to him that i hadn't felt in a while.  it felt really good to share them with rebecca.



yesterday evening, eric came up for Guardrail practice, but before we
could get started, his wife, Shelley, showed up.  she'd had a bad
day and was upset.  we were sitting outside on the porch. 
she went inside to use the bathroom, and when she came back outside,
she asked where the beautiful flowers inside came from.  i told
her that rebecca brought me the white roses, and that i'd picked the
yellow flowers for rebecca.  there was silence for a second, and
then she wanted to know why eric never stopped and picked her any flowers like he used to.  he didn't really have an answer for her.  he said that he'd never picked her any flowers, anyways.  he bought them
for her.  so then she wanted to know why he stopped buying them
for her.  he didn't really have an answer for that one,
either. 



what i was hoping was that Eric would ask her why she never gives HIM any flowers.



i wonder what her answer would have been.

.....it's a beautiful thing...

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."-Ricky Fitts, American Beauty

there is so much in my heart...i have no idea how to put it into words. i
feel like i could just start writing, pouring out everything that is in my
brain, but it would be an incoherent mix of words and phrases, meaningful
only to me. i've tried writing poetry over the past few weeks, but i'm just
not ready to share it yet. i'm still afraid at times to share the things i
create...not a good characteristic for a web designer. =)

but i've never wanted to create so badly in all my life as i do right now.


i have never been so inspired.

and Rebecca is my muse.

i have always found
beauty in this world, where others may not have seen it.

but things have never been so clear to me...so beautiful...the way they are now.

yesterday, as i passed the funeral home in town, they had the orange cones
out by the road, which means 'funeral in progress...turn
your music down as you drive by.' i saw an older lady standing by the
road. her hair was straight and came down far below her shoulders...almost
to her waist. right on the top of her head, her hair was white..white as
snow...all the way down to about her ears..and from there on down it was brown.
i don't know if it was made by God or Clairol.

she was talking to a man that was
dressed in faded denim from head to toe. and they smiled as they talked.
maybe sharing a funny memory of the person at rest inside the funeral home...she
may have been telling a funny story about how her 'beatle' hound chased
his tail around and around for 30 minutes last night...or they may have been
humorously dismissing the scientists that insist global warming is taking
place.

i just smiled as i drove by...knowing that an outsider might look at those
2 people and dismiss them as simple..or hillbillies...or worse. but they don't
know us..how beautiful we are. how so many of us can create amazing things,
both with our hands and our minds. i thought about how that man and woman
by the roadside might be seen as 'artsy' or 'cutting edge' in a big city somewhere...or
simply not noticed at all.

and i'm not sure i would have even noticed before. maybe once i would have...several
years ago...but i'm not sure. over the past 10 years or so, my ability to
see the beautiful things in this world has been diminished...taken away, piece
by piece...by people that i thought i knew...by events i never imagined would
happen...i mean, it was still there, but it had really gone into hiding. i
was afraid to share it with anyone...afraid of losing it all completely...forever.

moving
back to west liberty opened the door to that part of me again, and it felt
ok to let it start to show again.

still, i was so afraid to just
lay it all out there.

to speak with my heart, as much as with my head.

until
i met Rebecca.

she is beauty...i did not know that it could exist on every level...could
so completely be embodied in one person...that i could be so completely wrapped
in it that i can physically feel it...

she arrives at my house saturday, and i cannot wait to touch
her...to feel her lips on mine...to look into her eyes and just hold her as
close to me as i can.

we sit on the couch...conversations of Chicken and Dumplings and God...

and
i think we both feel that one is not far removed from the other.

she plays the guitar and sings for me...my heart can hardly contain my emotions...

i
have never known beauty like this...love like this...
i have to reach out and
touch her leg...

to feel her...to know she is real.

we eat a pint of Cherry Garcia.

now that...is beauty.

there were a million other beautiful moments this weekend...pieces
of time, wrapped completely in perfection...and i wanted to hold on to each
one and share it forever with her...

but i know, with
Rebecca,
there will be millions more...

and that, to me, is just a beautiful, beautiful thing.

.....guitars and medicabs...

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
-Mitch Hedberg

.....lessons from the pawn shop...

today i went into the pawn shop downtown to look at bass guitars with
eric. neither of us play bass, but we've decided that we need to buy
one, because our sound just isn't coming together without it. as we
were walking out of the guitar section, a very large man, with his
shirt unbuttoned all the way down (and no undershirt), asked us if we
pick a lot.  eric said no.  then he backtracked and said,
"well, i pick a lot...i'm just not any good."  the man looked at
eric and said, "you know what the key to picking good is?".  eric
said no.  the man replied, "confidence. without confidence, you'll
never be able to play good.".  i loved it.





.....frenchburg...

on our way to mt. sterling tonight, as we passed through frenchburg, i
saw a gas station that was advertising gas for 78 cents per
LITER.  apparently frenchburg is on the metric system. 
hmm...FRENCHburg...i think i see it now!



right before we got into frenchburg, we were behind a MediCab that
turned off.  as we passed it, i noticed on the door of the car it
said, "were going places"  not we're...WERE. i'm not sure if they couldn't spring for the apostrophe, or if they WERE going places, but have since decided that they are not.

.....you belong...

let me carry you away
let me wake you every morning
let me wander every day
beside you
-lyrics from You Dance, by eastmountainsouth

3am.  



on the front porch.



fingers and hearts intertwined.



she is beautiful.



the moon shines brightly, adding to the glow already on our faces.



her eyes.....my god, her eyes.



around us, the air is foggy, but my head is clear.



words circle inside...love...goddess...perfection...lifetime...fate.  



i cannot get close enough to her.



i want to stay there...forever...inside that moment.



i have never known this before...did not realize i was capable of feeling so much.



she takes everything that i am, and holds it so gently next to her heart.



i've never felt safe before...this is all new.



so many walls, put up to protect, now lie crumbled...eroding...washing away.



i want to protect her...i want her to know that i will hold so carefully everything that she gives me.



she is as precious to me as air.



i want to walk the beach with her.



stand on a mountain together.



move to tuscany with her...she'll paint and write poetry...i'll work in
a kitchen and play drums in a jazz band...we'll make enough to drink
wine and rent a small house from a local farmer.



build a house on a hill in grassy creek...i'll learn to play guitar and
sing songs to her...she'll make blackberry wine and tie-dyed
dresses...we'll eat green beans, tomatoes, and cornbread...she'll try
to tackle me in the mud.



we'll share all that is beautiful in this world and all that is not.



we'll sit under the stars...glowing in the moonlight.



souls and lives intertwined.



on the front porch.



3am.