there is so much in my heart...i have no idea how to put it into words. i
feel like i could just start writing, pouring out everything that is in my
brain, but it would be an incoherent mix of words and phrases, meaningful
only to me. i've tried writing poetry over the past few weeks, but i'm just
not ready to share it yet. i'm still afraid at times to share the things i
create...not a good characteristic for a web designer. =)
but i've never wanted to create so badly in all my life as i do right now.
i have never been so inspired.
and Rebecca is my muse.
i have always found
beauty in this world, where others may not have seen it.
but things have never been so clear to me...so beautiful...the way they are now.
yesterday, as i passed the funeral home in town, they had the orange cones
out by the road, which means 'funeral in progress...turn
your music down as you drive by.' i saw an older lady standing by the
road. her hair was straight and came down far below her shoulders...almost
to her waist. right on the top of her head, her hair was white..white as
snow...all the way down to about her ears..and from there on down it was brown.
i don't know if it was made by God or Clairol.
she was talking to a man that was
dressed in faded denim from head to toe. and they smiled as they talked.
maybe sharing a funny memory of the person at rest inside the funeral home...she
may have been telling a funny story about how her 'beatle' hound chased
his tail around and around for 30 minutes last night...or they may have been
humorously dismissing the scientists that insist global warming is taking
place.
i just smiled as i drove by...knowing that an outsider might look at those
2 people and dismiss them as simple..or hillbillies...or worse. but they don't
know us..how beautiful we are. how so many of us can create amazing things,
both with our hands and our minds. i thought about how that man and woman
by the roadside might be seen as 'artsy' or 'cutting edge' in a big city somewhere...or
simply not noticed at all.
and i'm not sure i would have even noticed before. maybe once i would have...several
years ago...but i'm not sure. over the past 10 years or so, my ability to
see the beautiful things in this world has been diminished...taken away, piece
by piece...by people that i thought i knew...by events i never imagined would
happen...i mean, it was still there, but it had really gone into hiding. i
was afraid to share it with anyone...afraid of losing it all completely...forever.
moving
back to west liberty opened the door to that part of me again, and it felt
ok to let it start to show again.
still, i was so afraid to just
lay it all out there.
to speak with my heart, as much as with my head.
until
i met Rebecca.
she is beauty...i did not know that it could exist on every level...could
so completely be embodied in one person...that i could be so completely wrapped
in it that i can physically feel it...
she arrives at my house saturday, and i cannot wait to touch
her...to feel her lips on mine...to look into her eyes and just hold her as
close to me as i can.
we sit on the couch...conversations of Chicken and Dumplings and God...
and
i think we both feel that one is not far removed from the other.
she plays the guitar and sings for me...my heart can hardly contain my emotions...
i
have never known beauty like this...love like this...
i have to reach out and
touch her leg...
to feel her...to know she is real.
we eat a pint of Cherry Garcia.
now that...is beauty.
there were a million other beautiful moments this weekend...pieces
of time, wrapped completely in perfection...and i wanted to hold on to each
one and share it forever with her...
but i know, with
Rebecca,
there will be millions more...
and that, to me, is just a beautiful, beautiful thing.
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