.....yeah...i'm still here...

well, here i am again!  man...been offline for so long. 
there was a server crash that took me down at first, but it is mostly
just lack of focus that keeps me from being a regular contributor here.



i have recently started keeping a daily journal in a notebook...i
really like a new notebook and pen sometimes...and that has helped me
to sort the jumbled thoughts that bounce around in my head every
day...given me a little bit of peace and quiet in there...that is good.



i'm severely hungover today...i didn't really drink any more than usual
last night, so i'm not sure what the hell happened.  but i woke up
today with a nice headache, and it is still here at 3:00.  i had
to go this morning and talk to 3 classes of 5th graders about
technology careers.  it was career day, and i was pinch-hitting
for darren because he had to be out of town.  so i spent about 45
minutes this morning, talking to 10-year-olds about web design and
such...answering the question, "how long did you have to go to school
to do what you do?" with a very hesitant, "ummmm...9 years"...all with
a throbbing head from a night of poker and beers.  makes me wonder
about all the speakers that used to come and talk to MY classes when i
was in school.  kinda funny.



i visited with mom and lori after i finished at the school.  i
didn't realize that i hadn't seen mom since christmas.  it really
isn't that i'm trying to avoid dealing with her being sick. 
that's not it at all.  i guess maybe i just forget that she can't
get out and about any more.  i don't think i'm acting any
different than i would if she WEREN'T sick...and that is probably part
of the problem...i think her and lori feel like i'm not dealing with
this, or that i'm putting too much on lori.  but i explained to
them that this works both ways...i need input...i need to know how i
can help.  i don't live there.  lori does.  i think we
worked everything out.  i told lori that whenever she needs
anything, even if it's just someone to talk to, to let me know. 
she said she didn't want to worry me, but i told her that i'm already
worried...she might as well not do it alone!



i have been in a little bit of a funk lately, and i hate that.  i
can see it around me...i let my house get messy...i feel sleepy all the
time...and i just feel generally uninspired to do much of
anything.  this happens from time to time...it might be seasonal
affective disorder, or "the winter blahs"...either way, it sucks. 




it is nice that i have someone to talk to about it now, but i don't
want to bring her down with my blues...she's in a bit of a funk right
now, too.  maybe our connection is stronger than we know!  i
don't know what the root of mine is, but i know it has a lot to do with
my appearance and my job/financial state.



i had dropped SO much weight...nearly 70 pounds...and i'm fairly sure
i've gained back about 40-50 of it, and that just sucks.  my
clothes are fitting tighter...i can see it in the mirror...and it just
pisses me off that i let this happen again, when i swore that i would
not.  but i'm working on it now...becoming more aware of what i'm
eating and stuff, so hopefully i'll start to see results soon.  i
think rebecca is unhappy with her appearance right now, as well. 
i want her to know how beautiful she is...i don't think i tell her that
nearly enough, and i feel bad about that...i never want her to think
that i take her for granted, because i do not.  i feel so blessed
that she is in my life.



work...well, what can i say?  it is so up and down...very
unpredictable.  unpredictable is not a good thing when it comes to
finances.  it seems that i make just enough to get by, and that's
it.  it is getting to the point where the negatives about running
this business are outweighing the positives.  so, i think i'm
going to set a deadline of April to try and turn this around
somehow.  if things are still running at this pace by then, i'm
gonna have to go out and get a "real" job.  i won't abandon my
dreams of running a successful business, but they'll have to get
sidetracked for a while.  actually, it would probably help move me
towards that goal.  i don't know.  but we'll see.



well, i guess i should actually do some work now, since i AM at the office.  maybe this is why i'm having a hard time?? lol


***a note from the present...i gave myself a deadline of April that year to get things going, but that deadline came and passed...however, in July of that year, I got my job with MSU.