"It was the beginning and the end of imagination, all at the same time"
-historian David McCullough, about the creation of the assembly line (narration in Seabiscuit)
it is tuesday night...a tropical depression has set in across eastern
kentucky. it was very strange looking at the weather radar today
and seeing rain coming up from southeastern kentucky instead of heading down into it.
but i have a little trouble with the term "tropical depression".
if you are in the tropics, how can you be depressed? i think the
only thing that would cause a tropical depression would be running out
of ice for your beer.
but that's just me.
i just had another beautiful weekend with rebecca. the last 3
weekends have been so incredible...willie and bob...families and
dumplings...football and moving furniture.
i truly feel like the two of us could start a revolution...change the
world...make a difference. we sat together this weekend and
discussed everything, from the joys of red meat, to how we could work
together to promote art in eastern kentucky. i absolutely love
every minute that we get to spend together. my mind and my soul feel
completely alive....and it is a wonderful feeling.
i had a message on my answering machine from my Granny...she was asking
what a blog was...which means the word is out..she knows!! and
somehow, though it should be technically impossible, she will manage to
find a way to infect my website with a virus. (just kidding,
granny......just don't click on anything!!)
i watched the movie Seabiscuit tonight. it was a really good
movie, but there was one part in particular that got me thinking.
at one point, the narrator talks about how workplaces all across the
nation closed early just so people could listen to the big match race
between War Admiral and Seabiscuit. i just thought about that for
a while...a horse race...bringing a whole country together...shutting
down business as usual.
i know that it was a harder time...the country was trying to fight its
way out of a depression, and hope was pretty scarce...i know that we've
come a long way in so many different areas...but what have we
sacrificed?
kids don't play outside after dark anymore...
cartoons have become so watered down that they don't even make sense...i mean, what the frig is a Pokemon??
if you cut someone off in traffic, you might get a gun pointed at your
head, instead of a friendly wave that acknowledges that you've done the
same thing yourself...or probably will.
every time we turn on the television, we either see bad news, or a bad
Applebee's commercial...you know...the ones where they take an old song
and redo it with lyrics that sing the virtues of their food. like
the latest one.."riblets, riblets, riblets...", in the style of the
theme from Rawhide, "rollin', rollin', rollin'."
that really pisses me off...it quite possibly is my biggest pet peeve.
but i've gone off on a tangent now...sorry...
it just feels like we've lost sight of everything that really
matters. we've sacrificed creativity in favor of "the proven
formula"...if you don't believe me, just turn to Fox. hell, just
turn on your TV this fall. there are THREE versions of CSI...3
versions of Law and Order...and a host of other shows that build on the
same premise...NCIS...Hawaii...Medical Investigator. not that i
don't like these shows...but you have to wonder...what show got the axe
so that we could get CSI: New York??
reality shows, which i thought would be a quickly passing fad, dominate
the schedule. again...i don't want to come across like i don't
enjoy some of these shows, because i do. i somehow always manage
to get hooked on Survivor...and who doesn't like watching "The Donald"
tell someone, "You're Fired!".
but last fall, Fox cancelled a fantastic little series called
Wonderfalls on Friday nights, and chose to air a rerun of Temptation
Island in its place. Wonderfalls was well-written...it had a
great little cast that just fit right into their roles...hell, it even
had a lesbian couple, which should've been right up Fox's alley.
but they pulled it...to show a rerun..from a show that is about
tempting couples to cheat on each other. perhaps market research
showed that people with half-a-brain don't stay home on Friday nights.
i don't know why i'm complaining about all of this. i guess i
just liked the idea that something as simple as a horse race could
raise everyone's collective spirit across this country. could
rally everyone...bring everyone together...make them dream...or forget
all their troubles.
even if it was only for a couple of minutes.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Friday, September 03, 2004
.....he's huge in china...
it is very strange. i am having trouble coming up with things to add to
"the spice" category...not because there is a LACK of spice...but
because i think i have become so accustomed to it, i'm having trouble
SPOTTING it! maybe i need special glasses. =)
today for lunch, we ate at the China King China King restaurant here in
town. I wrote it twice like that, because that is the way it is
written on their sign. anyways...
when you enter the CK CK, it isn't very much different than any other
Chinese restaurant. they don't have a lot of pictures or objects on the
walls, but there are a few. one of these has caught my eye each
time we've gone in there.
on one of the walls, there is a picture...it is the ONLY picture on
that wall. it is a painting. in that painting, there is a
man. and that man...is Eminem. he is wearing a blue
bandana, and has his shirt slightly unbuttoned. it is sort of a
strange painting anyways...but why it is on the wall of the China King
China King restaurant is the bigger mystery to me.
The music selection at the CK CK is always something, as well.
Today...they were listening to Hall and Oates. It may or may not
have been a greatest hits collection. I did recognize a couple of
songs.
It makes me wonder....do THEY like Hall and Oates? or do they think that WE (west libertarians) like Hall and Oates?
something to ponder for the weekend.
"the spice" category...not because there is a LACK of spice...but
because i think i have become so accustomed to it, i'm having trouble
SPOTTING it! maybe i need special glasses. =)
today for lunch, we ate at the China King China King restaurant here in
town. I wrote it twice like that, because that is the way it is
written on their sign. anyways...
when you enter the CK CK, it isn't very much different than any other
Chinese restaurant. they don't have a lot of pictures or objects on the
walls, but there are a few. one of these has caught my eye each
time we've gone in there.
on one of the walls, there is a picture...it is the ONLY picture on
that wall. it is a painting. in that painting, there is a
man. and that man...is Eminem. he is wearing a blue
bandana, and has his shirt slightly unbuttoned. it is sort of a
strange painting anyways...but why it is on the wall of the China King
China King restaurant is the bigger mystery to me.
The music selection at the CK CK is always something, as well.
Today...they were listening to Hall and Oates. It may or may not
have been a greatest hits collection. I did recognize a couple of
songs.
It makes me wonder....do THEY like Hall and Oates? or do they think that WE (west libertarians) like Hall and Oates?
something to ponder for the weekend.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
.....2 weeks...
"There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how".Ryan Adams - Wonderwall (originally by Oasis, but this version is way better)
i haven't added anything to my blahg in a while, but it definitely
isn't because things have been quiet in my life. actually, the
past 2 weeks have been filled with so many beautiful moments...memories
that will last for a lifetime.
i'm really going to try to get better about keeping this thing
updated...both for my adoring fans (you know who you are!), and for
myself...my life is changing around me every day...and there are
moments that are both beautiful and strange that i want to preserve and
explore. so here's a little synopsis of what's been goin' on with
DAve lately...
last weekend in lexington, there were tater tots and discussions of
family with rebecca at the Parkette Drive-In on a friday night...tears
on our cheeks and pillows at 2am...cigarettes by a window at
3am...protective arms around me on a baseball field saturday
evening...tears in my eyes during the coolest version of "Orange
Blossom Special" i think i've ever heard...willie and bob and rebecca
on a cool summer evening under the stars...familiar transsexuals
leading a voter registration drive in front of the Kentucky
Theater...privately sharing a public place on a sunday
afternoon...cooking dinner and framing post cards...and playing hooky
on a monday morning because the weekend just wasn't long enough.
wednesday, i got to meet sam, and it was just great. she's a
wonderful girl who deserves more than she is getting right now.
we all sat around in my living room...me, beck, sam, and the twelve
pack...discussing how guys really suck sometimes...how love can really
suck sometimes. i feel so incredibly blessed to have rebecca in
my life...to be sharing something so beautiful with someone so
amazing. and i was given an incredible collage that meant more to
me than i will ever be able to express.
this past friday evening, beck showed up with a blue mason jar filled
with white roses. it looked incredible...so did she. i find
myself thinking about her so much when she is not around. i think about
her eyes...about our conversations...about all of the completely
encompassing moments that we share...and i just long to have her near
me.
i picked yellow flowers along the roadside on my way home from work for
her, but they were all wilted by the time i got home, and they hadn't
quite recovered by the time she got there...but she loved them
anyway. we had big plans of cooking for the reunion, but a lack
of garlic powder shelved that idea. instead, we sat on the couch
together in the dark, curled up under a blanket, watching a movie...and
it felt great.
saturday, i was a little bit nervous on the way to the reunion. but i
was excited, too. we arrived a little bit late, and made quite an
entrance. i know i'm exaggerating it in my mind, but it seemed
that when we arrived, the whole place fell silent and every eye was on
us. then, just as quickly, the conversation resumed. and
from that moment on, everything just felt so right. i loved every
minute of it. i don't think i've ever felt so accepted at my OWN
family reunions...seriously.
i finally got to meet "The Aunts", and they were all as wonderful as
advertised. they were women of both strength and softness, and i
felt an instant connection. i got a hug from one of them, but if
she ever does it again, it means i'm dying. so if i see her
coming towards me with arms open, i'm running. i was a little bit
nervous about meeting rebecca's brother...afraid he might be very
"brotherly" and protective...like i would probably be...but he was all
smiles. actually, he seemed almost on the verge of
laughter. that may have been due to the fact that before beck and
i got there, one of "The Aunts" told him i was pushing 400 pounds, only
had 1 tooth, and she thought it was fake. i love it.
her Terri-able cousin kept me laughing all day long. i kept
hearing bits and pieces about owensboro and a concert and nudity, but i
never quite got it all put together. i think i need the details
of that adventure. i promise not to post them here...really.
i was most nervous about meeting rebecca's dad. i was really
looking forward to meeting him, but i was still nervous. i
thought about having a daughter of my own and meeting a man that is
important to her...a man she is in love with. how maybe i'd feel
like she didn't need me as much anymore, even though i'd know she still
loves me and needs me as much as ever. i just wanted so badly to
tell him how much i love his daughter...how i
have her best interests at heart and will never do anything to hurt
her...how precious she is to me.
we didn't really talk very much, but i still felt like everything was
ok. somehow, i think we understood each other....that maybe the
two of us are a lot alike in our ability to get a feeling about someone
by just being around them...that words aren't always necessary.
i also got to meet her mamaw, and i felt completely honored to be
sitting at the table with her... eating the chicken and dumplings that
she'd made, the likes of which you just can't get anymore...made with
"real chicken".
i just didn't expect to feel so comfortable...so accepted...and i loved
every minute of it. to meet the people that have shaped the life
of the woman i'm so in love with was just an incredible
experience...one i will remember forever. and i look forward to
seeing them all again.
that evening, rebecca and i drove up to put my sister's horse back in
the barn. on the way back to the house, rebecca suggested we just keep
driving for a while, which was perfect. as we rounded the curve
above my house, the moon was just hanging right above the hillside, and
it was breathtaking. we drove for a while...listening to
music...and just holding on to each other. it felt absolutely
incredible. when we got back home, we spread a blanket in the
yard and watched a storm roll in. at one point, someone drove by,
and we wondered if the people in the car saw us, and if maybe one of
them turned to the other and said, "why don't WE ever get a blanket and just lay in the yard?"
and i liked that thought. that maybe we inspired someone to go
home, grab a blanket, and hold each other in the yard while the clouds
crept closer.
this weekend, we watched one of the funniest movies i have ever
seen. "Bad Santa". we both laughed uncontrollably from
start to finish. it felt so incredible to be able to share that
experience...laying beside each other, laughing until we hurt. i
know it may sound strange...talking about sharing a connection while
watching a movie that may have set a record for the most curse words
ever said within a 90 minute period...but there was a comfort in it
that was just absolutely amazing and overwhelming.
on sunday, we had dinner with my mom and sister, and it felt just as
comfortable as when i met her family. there were moments when
i couldn't get close enough to rebecca. everything just felt so right.
the photo albums were also dragged out. i put up a little
resistance, just for show...i really wanted to look at them, too.
there are some great pictures of my dad when he was younger. i
think this may have been the first time i've looked at these photo
albums since he died. i felt a sharp pain of missing him, but i
also felt a closeness to him that i hadn't felt in a while. it felt really good to share them with rebecca.
yesterday evening, eric came up for Guardrail practice, but before we
could get started, his wife, Shelley, showed up. she'd had a bad
day and was upset. we were sitting outside on the porch.
she went inside to use the bathroom, and when she came back outside,
she asked where the beautiful flowers inside came from. i told
her that rebecca brought me the white roses, and that i'd picked the
yellow flowers for rebecca. there was silence for a second, and
then she wanted to know why eric never stopped and picked her any flowers like he used to. he didn't really have an answer for her. he said that he'd never picked her any flowers, anyways. he bought them
for her. so then she wanted to know why he stopped buying them
for her. he didn't really have an answer for that one,
either.
what i was hoping was that Eric would ask her why she never gives HIM any flowers.
i wonder what her answer would have been.
i haven't added anything to my blahg in a while, but it definitely
isn't because things have been quiet in my life. actually, the
past 2 weeks have been filled with so many beautiful moments...memories
that will last for a lifetime.
i'm really going to try to get better about keeping this thing
updated...both for my adoring fans (you know who you are!), and for
myself...my life is changing around me every day...and there are
moments that are both beautiful and strange that i want to preserve and
explore. so here's a little synopsis of what's been goin' on with
DAve lately...
last weekend in lexington, there were tater tots and discussions of
family with rebecca at the Parkette Drive-In on a friday night...tears
on our cheeks and pillows at 2am...cigarettes by a window at
3am...protective arms around me on a baseball field saturday
evening...tears in my eyes during the coolest version of "Orange
Blossom Special" i think i've ever heard...willie and bob and rebecca
on a cool summer evening under the stars...familiar transsexuals
leading a voter registration drive in front of the Kentucky
Theater...privately sharing a public place on a sunday
afternoon...cooking dinner and framing post cards...and playing hooky
on a monday morning because the weekend just wasn't long enough.
wednesday, i got to meet sam, and it was just great. she's a
wonderful girl who deserves more than she is getting right now.
we all sat around in my living room...me, beck, sam, and the twelve
pack...discussing how guys really suck sometimes...how love can really
suck sometimes. i feel so incredibly blessed to have rebecca in
my life...to be sharing something so beautiful with someone so
amazing. and i was given an incredible collage that meant more to
me than i will ever be able to express.
this past friday evening, beck showed up with a blue mason jar filled
with white roses. it looked incredible...so did she. i find
myself thinking about her so much when she is not around. i think about
her eyes...about our conversations...about all of the completely
encompassing moments that we share...and i just long to have her near
me.
i picked yellow flowers along the roadside on my way home from work for
her, but they were all wilted by the time i got home, and they hadn't
quite recovered by the time she got there...but she loved them
anyway. we had big plans of cooking for the reunion, but a lack
of garlic powder shelved that idea. instead, we sat on the couch
together in the dark, curled up under a blanket, watching a movie...and
it felt great.
saturday, i was a little bit nervous on the way to the reunion. but i
was excited, too. we arrived a little bit late, and made quite an
entrance. i know i'm exaggerating it in my mind, but it seemed
that when we arrived, the whole place fell silent and every eye was on
us. then, just as quickly, the conversation resumed. and
from that moment on, everything just felt so right. i loved every
minute of it. i don't think i've ever felt so accepted at my OWN
family reunions...seriously.
i finally got to meet "The Aunts", and they were all as wonderful as
advertised. they were women of both strength and softness, and i
felt an instant connection. i got a hug from one of them, but if
she ever does it again, it means i'm dying. so if i see her
coming towards me with arms open, i'm running. i was a little bit
nervous about meeting rebecca's brother...afraid he might be very
"brotherly" and protective...like i would probably be...but he was all
smiles. actually, he seemed almost on the verge of
laughter. that may have been due to the fact that before beck and
i got there, one of "The Aunts" told him i was pushing 400 pounds, only
had 1 tooth, and she thought it was fake. i love it.
her Terri-able cousin kept me laughing all day long. i kept
hearing bits and pieces about owensboro and a concert and nudity, but i
never quite got it all put together. i think i need the details
of that adventure. i promise not to post them here...really.
i was most nervous about meeting rebecca's dad. i was really
looking forward to meeting him, but i was still nervous. i
thought about having a daughter of my own and meeting a man that is
important to her...a man she is in love with. how maybe i'd feel
like she didn't need me as much anymore, even though i'd know she still
loves me and needs me as much as ever. i just wanted so badly to
tell him how much i love his daughter...how i
have her best interests at heart and will never do anything to hurt
her...how precious she is to me.
we didn't really talk very much, but i still felt like everything was
ok. somehow, i think we understood each other....that maybe the
two of us are a lot alike in our ability to get a feeling about someone
by just being around them...that words aren't always necessary.
i also got to meet her mamaw, and i felt completely honored to be
sitting at the table with her... eating the chicken and dumplings that
she'd made, the likes of which you just can't get anymore...made with
"real chicken".
i just didn't expect to feel so comfortable...so accepted...and i loved
every minute of it. to meet the people that have shaped the life
of the woman i'm so in love with was just an incredible
experience...one i will remember forever. and i look forward to
seeing them all again.
that evening, rebecca and i drove up to put my sister's horse back in
the barn. on the way back to the house, rebecca suggested we just keep
driving for a while, which was perfect. as we rounded the curve
above my house, the moon was just hanging right above the hillside, and
it was breathtaking. we drove for a while...listening to
music...and just holding on to each other. it felt absolutely
incredible. when we got back home, we spread a blanket in the
yard and watched a storm roll in. at one point, someone drove by,
and we wondered if the people in the car saw us, and if maybe one of
them turned to the other and said, "why don't WE ever get a blanket and just lay in the yard?"
and i liked that thought. that maybe we inspired someone to go
home, grab a blanket, and hold each other in the yard while the clouds
crept closer.
this weekend, we watched one of the funniest movies i have ever
seen. "Bad Santa". we both laughed uncontrollably from
start to finish. it felt so incredible to be able to share that
experience...laying beside each other, laughing until we hurt. i
know it may sound strange...talking about sharing a connection while
watching a movie that may have set a record for the most curse words
ever said within a 90 minute period...but there was a comfort in it
that was just absolutely amazing and overwhelming.
on sunday, we had dinner with my mom and sister, and it felt just as
comfortable as when i met her family. there were moments when
i couldn't get close enough to rebecca. everything just felt so right.
the photo albums were also dragged out. i put up a little
resistance, just for show...i really wanted to look at them, too.
there are some great pictures of my dad when he was younger. i
think this may have been the first time i've looked at these photo
albums since he died. i felt a sharp pain of missing him, but i
also felt a closeness to him that i hadn't felt in a while. it felt really good to share them with rebecca.
yesterday evening, eric came up for Guardrail practice, but before we
could get started, his wife, Shelley, showed up. she'd had a bad
day and was upset. we were sitting outside on the porch.
she went inside to use the bathroom, and when she came back outside,
she asked where the beautiful flowers inside came from. i told
her that rebecca brought me the white roses, and that i'd picked the
yellow flowers for rebecca. there was silence for a second, and
then she wanted to know why eric never stopped and picked her any flowers like he used to. he didn't really have an answer for her. he said that he'd never picked her any flowers, anyways. he bought them
for her. so then she wanted to know why he stopped buying them
for her. he didn't really have an answer for that one,
either.
what i was hoping was that Eric would ask her why she never gives HIM any flowers.
i wonder what her answer would have been.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
.....it's a beautiful thing...
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."-Ricky Fitts, American Beauty
there is so much in my heart...i have no idea how to put it into words. i
feel like i could just start writing, pouring out everything that is in my
brain, but it would be an incoherent mix of words and phrases, meaningful
only to me. i've tried writing poetry over the past few weeks, but i'm just
not ready to share it yet. i'm still afraid at times to share the things i
create...not a good characteristic for a web designer. =)
but i've never wanted to create so badly in all my life as i do right now.
i have never been so inspired.
and Rebecca is my muse.
i have always found
beauty in this world, where others may not have seen it.
but things have never been so clear to me...so beautiful...the way they are now.
yesterday, as i passed the funeral home in town, they had the orange cones
out by the road, which means 'funeral in progress...turn
your music down as you drive by.' i saw an older lady standing by the
road. her hair was straight and came down far below her shoulders...almost
to her waist. right on the top of her head, her hair was white..white as
snow...all the way down to about her ears..and from there on down it was brown.
i don't know if it was made by God or Clairol.
she was talking to a man that was
dressed in faded denim from head to toe. and they smiled as they talked.
maybe sharing a funny memory of the person at rest inside the funeral home...she
may have been telling a funny story about how her 'beatle' hound chased
his tail around and around for 30 minutes last night...or they may have been
humorously dismissing the scientists that insist global warming is taking
place.
i just smiled as i drove by...knowing that an outsider might look at those
2 people and dismiss them as simple..or hillbillies...or worse. but they don't
know us..how beautiful we are. how so many of us can create amazing things,
both with our hands and our minds. i thought about how that man and woman
by the roadside might be seen as 'artsy' or 'cutting edge' in a big city somewhere...or
simply not noticed at all.
and i'm not sure i would have even noticed before. maybe once i would have...several
years ago...but i'm not sure. over the past 10 years or so, my ability to
see the beautiful things in this world has been diminished...taken away, piece
by piece...by people that i thought i knew...by events i never imagined would
happen...i mean, it was still there, but it had really gone into hiding. i
was afraid to share it with anyone...afraid of losing it all completely...forever.
moving
back to west liberty opened the door to that part of me again, and it felt
ok to let it start to show again.
still, i was so afraid to just
lay it all out there.
to speak with my heart, as much as with my head.
until
i met Rebecca.
she is beauty...i did not know that it could exist on every level...could
so completely be embodied in one person...that i could be so completely wrapped
in it that i can physically feel it...
she arrives at my house saturday, and i cannot wait to touch
her...to feel her lips on mine...to look into her eyes and just hold her as
close to me as i can.
we sit on the couch...conversations of Chicken and Dumplings and God...
and
i think we both feel that one is not far removed from the other.
she plays the guitar and sings for me...my heart can hardly contain my emotions...
i
have never known beauty like this...love like this...
i have to reach out and
touch her leg...
to feel her...to know she is real.
we eat a pint of Cherry Garcia.
now that...is beauty.
there were a million other beautiful moments this weekend...pieces
of time, wrapped completely in perfection...and i wanted to hold on to each
one and share it forever with her...
but i know, with
Rebecca,
there will be millions more...
and that, to me, is just a beautiful, beautiful thing.
.....guitars and medicabs...
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
-Mitch Hedberg
.....lessons from the pawn shop...
today i went into the pawn shop downtown to look at bass guitars with
eric. neither of us play bass, but we've decided that we need to buy
one, because our sound just isn't coming together without it. as we
were walking out of the guitar section, a very large man, with his
shirt unbuttoned all the way down (and no undershirt), asked us if we
pick a lot. eric said no. then he backtracked and said,
"well, i pick a lot...i'm just not any good." the man looked at
eric and said, "you know what the key to picking good is?". eric
said no. the man replied, "confidence. without confidence, you'll
never be able to play good.". i loved it.
.....frenchburg...
on our way to mt. sterling tonight, as we passed through frenchburg, i
saw a gas station that was advertising gas for 78 cents per
LITER. apparently frenchburg is on the metric system.
hmm...FRENCHburg...i think i see it now!
right before we got into frenchburg, we were behind a MediCab that
turned off. as we passed it, i noticed on the door of the car it
said, "were going places" not we're...WERE. i'm not sure if they couldn't spring for the apostrophe, or if they WERE going places, but have since decided that they are not.
-Mitch Hedberg
.....lessons from the pawn shop...
today i went into the pawn shop downtown to look at bass guitars with
eric. neither of us play bass, but we've decided that we need to buy
one, because our sound just isn't coming together without it. as we
were walking out of the guitar section, a very large man, with his
shirt unbuttoned all the way down (and no undershirt), asked us if we
pick a lot. eric said no. then he backtracked and said,
"well, i pick a lot...i'm just not any good." the man looked at
eric and said, "you know what the key to picking good is?". eric
said no. the man replied, "confidence. without confidence, you'll
never be able to play good.". i loved it.
.....frenchburg...
on our way to mt. sterling tonight, as we passed through frenchburg, i
saw a gas station that was advertising gas for 78 cents per
LITER. apparently frenchburg is on the metric system.
hmm...FRENCHburg...i think i see it now!
right before we got into frenchburg, we were behind a MediCab that
turned off. as we passed it, i noticed on the door of the car it
said, "were going places" not we're...WERE. i'm not sure if they couldn't spring for the apostrophe, or if they WERE going places, but have since decided that they are not.
Monday, August 02, 2004
.....you belong...
let me carry you away
let me wake you every morning
let me wander every day
beside you
-lyrics from You Dance, by eastmountainsouth
3am.
on the front porch.
fingers and hearts intertwined.
she is beautiful.
the moon shines brightly, adding to the glow already on our faces.
her eyes.....my god, her eyes.
around us, the air is foggy, but my head is clear.
words circle inside...love...goddess...perfection...lifetime...fate.
i cannot get close enough to her.
i want to stay there...forever...inside that moment.
i have never known this before...did not realize i was capable of feeling so much.
she takes everything that i am, and holds it so gently next to her heart.
i've never felt safe before...this is all new.
so many walls, put up to protect, now lie crumbled...eroding...washing away.
i want to protect her...i want her to know that i will hold so carefully everything that she gives me.
she is as precious to me as air.
i want to walk the beach with her.
stand on a mountain together.
move to tuscany with her...she'll paint and write poetry...i'll work in
a kitchen and play drums in a jazz band...we'll make enough to drink
wine and rent a small house from a local farmer.
build a house on a hill in grassy creek...i'll learn to play guitar and
sing songs to her...she'll make blackberry wine and tie-dyed
dresses...we'll eat green beans, tomatoes, and cornbread...she'll try
to tackle me in the mud.
we'll share all that is beautiful in this world and all that is not.
we'll sit under the stars...glowing in the moonlight.
souls and lives intertwined.
on the front porch.
3am.
let me wake you every morning
let me wander every day
beside you
-lyrics from You Dance, by eastmountainsouth
3am.
on the front porch.
fingers and hearts intertwined.
she is beautiful.
the moon shines brightly, adding to the glow already on our faces.
her eyes.....my god, her eyes.
around us, the air is foggy, but my head is clear.
words circle inside...love...goddess...perfection...lifetime...fate.
i cannot get close enough to her.
i want to stay there...forever...inside that moment.
i have never known this before...did not realize i was capable of feeling so much.
she takes everything that i am, and holds it so gently next to her heart.
i've never felt safe before...this is all new.
so many walls, put up to protect, now lie crumbled...eroding...washing away.
i want to protect her...i want her to know that i will hold so carefully everything that she gives me.
she is as precious to me as air.
i want to walk the beach with her.
stand on a mountain together.
move to tuscany with her...she'll paint and write poetry...i'll work in
a kitchen and play drums in a jazz band...we'll make enough to drink
wine and rent a small house from a local farmer.
build a house on a hill in grassy creek...i'll learn to play guitar and
sing songs to her...she'll make blackberry wine and tie-dyed
dresses...we'll eat green beans, tomatoes, and cornbread...she'll try
to tackle me in the mud.
we'll share all that is beautiful in this world and all that is not.
we'll sit under the stars...glowing in the moonlight.
souls and lives intertwined.
on the front porch.
3am.
Saturday, July 31, 2004
.....my inspiration...
"You have lifted my very soul up into the light of your soul, and I am not ever likely to mistake it for the common daylight." --Elizabeth Barret, English poet, to Robert Browning, her future husband and fellow poet, August 17th, 1846
.....about Rebecca...
there are so many things i want to say about her and yet i don't know
where to start. and although i want the whole world to know about
her and how much better my life is just by her being in it, a part of
me wants to keep it all a secret...to keep it my own for just a while
longer.
in the past, i've tried to sell my friends, my family, and
myself on whomever i was seeing...trying to talk up all the things that
were just so damn great about the person i was with. i didn't
realize at the time what it was that i was doing...trying to make
myself feel something that wasn't there...but i see it now...so clearly.
i don't find that need with Rebecca. there is no cause to try and
convince anyone of anything. my head was convinced the first time
we spoke, and my heart was convinced the first time she took my
hand. when anyone asks how our date went, i simply respond, "it
was very nice. just perfect.". i've never been able to say
so much by saying so little.
i've always felt that i had so much in my heart to offer to someone,
but i've never felt comfortable or safe enough with anyone to give it
all to them. i've offered pieces...glimpses...enough to satisfy
them. but not enough to make myself vulnerable.
with Rebecca, i want to give her everything...i want to share with her
all of the things that have made me who i am...and i want to share with
her all of the things that are yet to come. she makes me feel
safe. she tells me that i am beautiful, and i believe her.
she touches my face and stares into my eyes in a way that just puts my
soul at ease.
and i want everything that she is...everything that makes her
smile...everything that makes her cry. i want to pull her close
to me and never let go again.
when i look into her eyes, i know it is not the first time we have been
together. somewhere...sometime...our hearts have met
before. it is as if my soul has been missing her...and is happy
to have found her again.
everything about her is beautiful and magical. i try to tell her
this, but i still just can't find the words that can express it to her
the way it needs to be said. lines from movies come into my
head...and they so perfectly capture what i might be trying to
express...and i hate that i have to turn to a movie for the words to
say. i told her that wednesday night, and it just tickled
her. i love her laugh...i could live inside it.
...she can move me to tears with her words and her touch...and she can have me rolling with laughter in seconds.
...she inspires me to take photographs of sunflowers and thistles.
...she stirs emotions and words in my head. (i've written some of them down, but i'm not quite ready to share them yet.)
...she holds my face in her hands, and everything else in the world seems to disappear.
...she laughs at my stories that have no endings.
...she likes my cornbread.
.....she makes me want to be a better man...
rebecca deserves everything that is beautiful and good in this world, and i want to give it all to her.
i want to lay my head in her lap while she reads poetry to me.
i want to write poetry to her...i want to tell her everything that is
in my heart...i want her to know how precious she is to me and how
blessed i feel that she is in my life.
if she will let me, i will spend the rest of my life trying to show her
just how much i love her.....but i don't know if one lifetime will be
enough.
all these unspoken somethings by Rebecca
.....about Rebecca...
there are so many things i want to say about her and yet i don't know
where to start. and although i want the whole world to know about
her and how much better my life is just by her being in it, a part of
me wants to keep it all a secret...to keep it my own for just a while
longer.
in the past, i've tried to sell my friends, my family, and
myself on whomever i was seeing...trying to talk up all the things that
were just so damn great about the person i was with. i didn't
realize at the time what it was that i was doing...trying to make
myself feel something that wasn't there...but i see it now...so clearly.
i don't find that need with Rebecca. there is no cause to try and
convince anyone of anything. my head was convinced the first time
we spoke, and my heart was convinced the first time she took my
hand. when anyone asks how our date went, i simply respond, "it
was very nice. just perfect.". i've never been able to say
so much by saying so little.
i've always felt that i had so much in my heart to offer to someone,
but i've never felt comfortable or safe enough with anyone to give it
all to them. i've offered pieces...glimpses...enough to satisfy
them. but not enough to make myself vulnerable.
with Rebecca, i want to give her everything...i want to share with her
all of the things that have made me who i am...and i want to share with
her all of the things that are yet to come. she makes me feel
safe. she tells me that i am beautiful, and i believe her.
she touches my face and stares into my eyes in a way that just puts my
soul at ease.
and i want everything that she is...everything that makes her
smile...everything that makes her cry. i want to pull her close
to me and never let go again.
when i look into her eyes, i know it is not the first time we have been
together. somewhere...sometime...our hearts have met
before. it is as if my soul has been missing her...and is happy
to have found her again.
everything about her is beautiful and magical. i try to tell her
this, but i still just can't find the words that can express it to her
the way it needs to be said. lines from movies come into my
head...and they so perfectly capture what i might be trying to
express...and i hate that i have to turn to a movie for the words to
say. i told her that wednesday night, and it just tickled
her. i love her laugh...i could live inside it.
...she can move me to tears with her words and her touch...and she can have me rolling with laughter in seconds.
...she inspires me to take photographs of sunflowers and thistles.
...she stirs emotions and words in my head. (i've written some of them down, but i'm not quite ready to share them yet.)
...she holds my face in her hands, and everything else in the world seems to disappear.
...she laughs at my stories that have no endings.
...she likes my cornbread.
.....she makes me want to be a better man...
rebecca deserves everything that is beautiful and good in this world, and i want to give it all to her.
i want to lay my head in her lap while she reads poetry to me.
i want to write poetry to her...i want to tell her everything that is
in my heart...i want her to know how precious she is to me and how
blessed i feel that she is in my life.
if she will let me, i will spend the rest of my life trying to show her
just how much i love her.....but i don't know if one lifetime will be
enough.
all these unspoken somethings by Rebecca
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
.....so incredible...
i haven't entered anything in here in a very long time, but things have been anything but quiet.
i have met the most special and most wonderful person i have ever known. she is beautiful, and i feel completely blessed to have her in my life.
when i moved back to west liberty, people were trying to fix me up on dates...i guess because they figured, "hey..single guy...32 years old...he MUST want a date!! we need to find him one!! nobody wants to be alone!!"
well, maybe no one WANTS to be alone, but i was ok with it. i would rather be alone and be happy than be with someone i don't care about and be miserable. i found something once that i really liked, and i truly believe in it...
"don't settle for the one you can live with...wait for the one you can't live without."
i've figured out how to be happy and alone...i'm good at it. but i still wondered if maybe there was someone out there that would just complete me...make me feel whole....someone i couldn't live without.
turns out, there is.
...and i couldn't be happier.
i have met the most special and most wonderful person i have ever known. she is beautiful, and i feel completely blessed to have her in my life.
when i moved back to west liberty, people were trying to fix me up on dates...i guess because they figured, "hey..single guy...32 years old...he MUST want a date!! we need to find him one!! nobody wants to be alone!!"
well, maybe no one WANTS to be alone, but i was ok with it. i would rather be alone and be happy than be with someone i don't care about and be miserable. i found something once that i really liked, and i truly believe in it...
"don't settle for the one you can live with...wait for the one you can't live without."
i've figured out how to be happy and alone...i'm good at it. but i still wondered if maybe there was someone out there that would just complete me...make me feel whole....someone i couldn't live without.
turns out, there is.
...and i couldn't be happier.
Monday, May 31, 2004
so much to say...
it has been a long weekend, and a very wet one. tonight, i'm too tired to type very much, and the storms have been wreaking havoc on everything around here. but i did want to add something. sometimes, a song will just capture my mood, good or bad, and just totally enhance it. today, this has been the one that just grabbed me and wouldn't let go, so i'll let this be my entry for today.
"Into the Mystic" - Van Morrison
We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home
And when the fog horn blows I want to hear it
I don't have to fear it
And I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And magnificently we will flow into the mystic
When that fog horn blows you know I will be coming home
And when that fog horn whistle blows I got to hear it
I don't have to fear it
And I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we will flow into the mystic
Come on girl...
Too late to stop now...
"Into the Mystic" - Van Morrison
We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home
And when the fog horn blows I want to hear it
I don't have to fear it
And I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And magnificently we will flow into the mystic
When that fog horn blows you know I will be coming home
And when that fog horn whistle blows I got to hear it
I don't have to fear it
And I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we will flow into the mystic
Come on girl...
Too late to stop now...
Friday, May 28, 2004
Early entry today...
"i'm not addicted to blackjack, i'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle." -Mitch Hedberg
doing my entry a little early today. i'm heading out of town this evening, and won't be back until tomorrow.
my friend chris is getting married next weekend, so this is "bachelor party 2: the police record". part 1 was the race at martinsville. only 5 of us tonight. it is actually a combo-party for chris and another friend, darren. he is getting married in about 3 weeks. i swear..by the end of this summer, i'm going to be the only single person in west liberty! definitely the summer of love, it seems.
yesterday was nice. even though i got almost NO work done, i got to spend some time with my friend eric. helped him out with his pc a little and stayed over for dinner. we sat out on the porch and had a few beers and some good food. ...and then the storms started rolling in. i have NEVER seen lightning like that. it was so incredible. it just kept tracing out these intricate patterns across the sky. the amazing thing is that the center of the storm was around mt. sterling at the time, but the lightning was reaching all the way over here. just incredible.
i came on home and shut down and unplugged everything. i was going to sit on the porch and watch it all roll in, but chris called and said his dad thought i should come over and wait it out in their basement with them. at first, i didn't want to, but he lured me with the promise of beer. and since i was out, i decided to take my storm watching elsewhere. =)
chris' dad is pretty freaked out about storms, though, so it made him nervous that we were outside watching the lightning, and he told us to come inside. it was funny...i felt like we were 10 years old. then there was no beer. bummer. we just sorta watched tv and listened to it blow over. it didn't really get that bad here. there was a tree down in the road when i came back home, but not much else.
so i missed a good opportunity to sit out on my porch and try my new pipe last night. i picked it up in lexington wednesday. it is kind of like the one Aragorn smoked in the LOTR movies. the guy at the tobacco place told me it was called a churchwarden. said they were getting popular again. i'm guessing because of the movies. so many geeks like myself out there...makes me happy! =)
the guy showed me this pipe and said, "that's a good one, if you are looking for a short smoke." ...i heard, "that is a good pipe, if you are wanting one for smoking weed." i'm fairly sure that is what he meant. he looked like he had smoked a few bowls in his day. i got some tobacco that smelled pretty good, and was supposed to be "not too mild, not too harsh". i tried a little of it yesterday, and it was pretty nice. now all i need is a sword, and a horse, and a...
yeah, that should pretty much ensure i never get a date EVER again...it would certainly thin out the prospective candidates. lol... if i just went ahead and started playing dungeons and dragons, i'd say that should narrow 'er on down even more. i don't think those people ever emerge in daylight though, so we'll probably never cross paths. =)
i'm sure that i will have much more to write in here tomorrow. hopefully someone will win a lot of money at the riverboat and decide to give me some, too! =) i really suck at gambling. i like to play blackjack, though. i usually only allow myself like 20 bucks for gambling, and i run through that pretty quick. then i just sit and drink the cheap drinks while i "people watch". there are definitely some people with some stories to be told inside those places.
i think that when people go to gamble on the riverboat, they should have to put on costumes from the 1800's. BUT...all of the men should have to dress up like mark twain. that would be really cool, just walking around a riverboat filled with mark twains.
well, i think it would be cool.
doing my entry a little early today. i'm heading out of town this evening, and won't be back until tomorrow.
my friend chris is getting married next weekend, so this is "bachelor party 2: the police record". part 1 was the race at martinsville. only 5 of us tonight. it is actually a combo-party for chris and another friend, darren. he is getting married in about 3 weeks. i swear..by the end of this summer, i'm going to be the only single person in west liberty! definitely the summer of love, it seems.
yesterday was nice. even though i got almost NO work done, i got to spend some time with my friend eric. helped him out with his pc a little and stayed over for dinner. we sat out on the porch and had a few beers and some good food. ...and then the storms started rolling in. i have NEVER seen lightning like that. it was so incredible. it just kept tracing out these intricate patterns across the sky. the amazing thing is that the center of the storm was around mt. sterling at the time, but the lightning was reaching all the way over here. just incredible.
i came on home and shut down and unplugged everything. i was going to sit on the porch and watch it all roll in, but chris called and said his dad thought i should come over and wait it out in their basement with them. at first, i didn't want to, but he lured me with the promise of beer. and since i was out, i decided to take my storm watching elsewhere. =)
chris' dad is pretty freaked out about storms, though, so it made him nervous that we were outside watching the lightning, and he told us to come inside. it was funny...i felt like we were 10 years old. then there was no beer. bummer. we just sorta watched tv and listened to it blow over. it didn't really get that bad here. there was a tree down in the road when i came back home, but not much else.
so i missed a good opportunity to sit out on my porch and try my new pipe last night. i picked it up in lexington wednesday. it is kind of like the one Aragorn smoked in the LOTR movies. the guy at the tobacco place told me it was called a churchwarden. said they were getting popular again. i'm guessing because of the movies. so many geeks like myself out there...makes me happy! =)
the guy showed me this pipe and said, "that's a good one, if you are looking for a short smoke." ...i heard, "that is a good pipe, if you are wanting one for smoking weed." i'm fairly sure that is what he meant. he looked like he had smoked a few bowls in his day. i got some tobacco that smelled pretty good, and was supposed to be "not too mild, not too harsh". i tried a little of it yesterday, and it was pretty nice. now all i need is a sword, and a horse, and a...
yeah, that should pretty much ensure i never get a date EVER again...it would certainly thin out the prospective candidates. lol... if i just went ahead and started playing dungeons and dragons, i'd say that should narrow 'er on down even more. i don't think those people ever emerge in daylight though, so we'll probably never cross paths. =)
i'm sure that i will have much more to write in here tomorrow. hopefully someone will win a lot of money at the riverboat and decide to give me some, too! =) i really suck at gambling. i like to play blackjack, though. i usually only allow myself like 20 bucks for gambling, and i run through that pretty quick. then i just sit and drink the cheap drinks while i "people watch". there are definitely some people with some stories to be told inside those places.
i think that when people go to gamble on the riverboat, they should have to put on costumes from the 1800's. BUT...all of the men should have to dress up like mark twain. that would be really cool, just walking around a riverboat filled with mark twains.
well, i think it would be cool.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
shit about me...
05.26.2004 | 12:56am
sometimes, if i'm in my car and something strange happens, i'll turn my head slightly to the side, with a confused look on my face, as if i'm staring into the invisible camera that is filming my life.
i'm a geologist, but i know very little about gemstones...and that doesn't bother me.
i like tie-dye shit, but i don't own any. i had one really cool shirt once...from a diner in kill devil hills, north carolina. it said "eat and get the hell out!". i liked that shirt. i think my ex-girlfriend took it.
sometimes, i'll be having a dream, and it is way cooler than my actual life...and then i wake up...look around the room...and i'm like, "shit!".
in the evening, i leave my porch light on for a while. it draws little millers and moths up to the porch, and they seem to be everywhere. in the morning, they are all gone. where the hell do moths spend their afternoons? (ok..that isn't really about ME...but it is something that i think about)
i really miss kissing. that is one of my favorite things in this world.
i hate spiders. last night, a huge spider crawled up beside me on the floor. i was barefoot, so i threw a little board down on top of it and stomped on it. what i didn't know was that the board had a nail sticking out of it. it was the head of the nail, but it really hurt anyway. i think that was an example of kharma equalling itself out on the spot.
i'm really sleepy. i'm going to bed.
sometimes, if i'm in my car and something strange happens, i'll turn my head slightly to the side, with a confused look on my face, as if i'm staring into the invisible camera that is filming my life.
i'm a geologist, but i know very little about gemstones...and that doesn't bother me.
i like tie-dye shit, but i don't own any. i had one really cool shirt once...from a diner in kill devil hills, north carolina. it said "eat and get the hell out!". i liked that shirt. i think my ex-girlfriend took it.
sometimes, i'll be having a dream, and it is way cooler than my actual life...and then i wake up...look around the room...and i'm like, "shit!".
in the evening, i leave my porch light on for a while. it draws little millers and moths up to the porch, and they seem to be everywhere. in the morning, they are all gone. where the hell do moths spend their afternoons? (ok..that isn't really about ME...but it is something that i think about)
i really miss kissing. that is one of my favorite things in this world.
i hate spiders. last night, a huge spider crawled up beside me on the floor. i was barefoot, so i threw a little board down on top of it and stomped on it. what i didn't know was that the board had a nail sticking out of it. it was the head of the nail, but it really hurt anyway. i think that was an example of kharma equalling itself out on the spot.
i'm really sleepy. i'm going to bed.
so tired....
ok, this is my entry for the 26th, although it is now the 27th...but it is still the 26th SOMEWHERE, right? RIGHT?!?
it is almost 2am. i just got back from lexington. paul and i did our last web design course tonight at the small business development center. if my friend jason was here, he would ask me, "is the CENTER small, or are the BUSINESSES small?". good ol' jason.
can't believe he is getting married this summer. can't believe the damn wedding is like 17 hours away from here! no damn way i'm driving 17 hours to see a damn wedding (have i said DAMN enough?). but i can't decide which is worse...driving that far or paying almost $300 for a plane ticket to watch a WEDDING!
i'm not anti-wedding or marriage. but i just have such a different idea of how this will go down with me, if it ever DOES go with me. we'll be lying in the bed, talking about weddings and marriage and how we've both always just pictured that we'd run off to vegas. we'd both get really quiet for a second, look at each other, and just jump out of the bed and go! maybe we'd have a "family" version later on, so that we'll still get invited to family reunions...hell, if one of us can cook good chicken 'n dumplings, we won't even have to go to THOSE!
did i just base family independence on chicken and dumplings?
i don't think i'll ever type the word "dumplings" again. i already hate saying it. it is one of those strange words that if you say it over and over, it starts to sound like it isn't even a real word. kind of like "slacks", or "frothy".
when i get up in the morning, i fully expect to look out across the bottom in front of my house and see a newly formed lake. it has come down like pouring piss out of a boot today. actually, i've never poured piss out of a boot, so i'm not sure if that is an appropriate description or not.
but, if i notice pairs of animals hanging out together over the next few days, i'm heading for higher ground. wonder if you can pick up an ark at wal mart?
i found a great site today. i was looking for a t-shirt that says "i'm what willis was talkin' about", and found it on www.tshirthell.com they had some really funny shirts, but i'm not sure where you'd wear most of them. i can't really see myself rolling up to the freezer fresh with a "WWJD for a klondike bar" shirt on.
i got some email from 1969 tonight. apparently, monserrate wilkins was selling viagra way back then, but his emails are just now making it out. i bet he is PISSED!
also had an email from becky when i got back, and it just made my night. she is my muse for actually getting back into working on this site. if you are reading this, i just want to say, "thank you"....and i'm getting ready to respond to your email. =)
well, i think that about does it for tonight. oh...nope.. one more thing.
about a month ago, i had convinced myself that i had attention defecit disorder. pretty much since i was a sophomore in high school, i haven't been able to focus. when i read a book, a lot of times i'll get to the bottom of the page, and i'm like, "what the hell did i just read?", because 2,347 thoughts were bouncing around inside my head while i was reading. it was the same all through college.
it just got to the point recently that i decided it was time to take action about it. my mom was convinced it was ADD. i took the little online test, and it pretty much said, "yeah...you gots it!". so, i got some samples of strattera to try.
i'm pretty anti-medicine. i haven't always been that way, but over the past 10 years or so, i've just lost faith in it. i can't believe i'm going to type this, but that is what this blog shit is for, right?
when i feel sick...maybe a headache, or i feel sick to my stomach...i will put my hand on the spot where it feels bad, and focus on trying to make it not feel bad anymore....ok...now that i've typed that, i am really wanting to go back and delete it! but i won't.
anyways, sometimes it seems to actually help! my dad was a healer, at least when he was younger. i never got to talk to him about how he did it. i never talked to him about a lot of things i wish i had. but this ADD, or whatever...i just couldn't shake it. i couldn't focus on work. i'd sit down to start something, and 20 minutes later i'd be off doing something else. i told paul, i'm REALLY good at getting something rolling...it is the FINISHING that i have trouble with. i think i just need to be an idea guy somewhere. =)
so i started taking this medicine. and for the first day or so, it seemed like maybe it was working. when i'd start something, i would really stay on task. the funny thing is that the medicine really has no way to control WHAT you focus on. so if i started just randomly surfing the internet, i might get caught up in that for HOURS!
as the month has passed, the effectiveness of it seems to have started to fade. also, i started to forget to take it regularly (maybe that had something to do with the drop off in performance!). anyway, a few days ago i completely forgot to take it. so i've decided that i'm going to stop taking it completely. looking back on when i started it, i think i was just particularly stressed out. the moving, business, and all that "real life" crap that i hate.
but that is part of life. the stress. the anxiety. the good AND the bad. besides...i don't think i have ADD...i'm just a dangerous mixture of procrastinator and slacker. =)
well...i'm not going to put off going to bed. i'm zapped. good night! i'll leave you with this, from mitch hedberg. i think i'll try to incorporate a little piece of his humor every time i write one of these.
"i had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said, "where do you see yourself in five years?", and i said, "celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!""
it is almost 2am. i just got back from lexington. paul and i did our last web design course tonight at the small business development center. if my friend jason was here, he would ask me, "is the CENTER small, or are the BUSINESSES small?". good ol' jason.
can't believe he is getting married this summer. can't believe the damn wedding is like 17 hours away from here! no damn way i'm driving 17 hours to see a damn wedding (have i said DAMN enough?). but i can't decide which is worse...driving that far or paying almost $300 for a plane ticket to watch a WEDDING!
i'm not anti-wedding or marriage. but i just have such a different idea of how this will go down with me, if it ever DOES go with me. we'll be lying in the bed, talking about weddings and marriage and how we've both always just pictured that we'd run off to vegas. we'd both get really quiet for a second, look at each other, and just jump out of the bed and go! maybe we'd have a "family" version later on, so that we'll still get invited to family reunions...hell, if one of us can cook good chicken 'n dumplings, we won't even have to go to THOSE!
did i just base family independence on chicken and dumplings?
i don't think i'll ever type the word "dumplings" again. i already hate saying it. it is one of those strange words that if you say it over and over, it starts to sound like it isn't even a real word. kind of like "slacks", or "frothy".
when i get up in the morning, i fully expect to look out across the bottom in front of my house and see a newly formed lake. it has come down like pouring piss out of a boot today. actually, i've never poured piss out of a boot, so i'm not sure if that is an appropriate description or not.
but, if i notice pairs of animals hanging out together over the next few days, i'm heading for higher ground. wonder if you can pick up an ark at wal mart?
i found a great site today. i was looking for a t-shirt that says "i'm what willis was talkin' about", and found it on www.tshirthell.com they had some really funny shirts, but i'm not sure where you'd wear most of them. i can't really see myself rolling up to the freezer fresh with a "WWJD for a klondike bar" shirt on.
i got some email from 1969 tonight. apparently, monserrate wilkins was selling viagra way back then, but his emails are just now making it out. i bet he is PISSED!
also had an email from becky when i got back, and it just made my night. she is my muse for actually getting back into working on this site. if you are reading this, i just want to say, "thank you"....and i'm getting ready to respond to your email. =)
well, i think that about does it for tonight. oh...nope.. one more thing.
about a month ago, i had convinced myself that i had attention defecit disorder. pretty much since i was a sophomore in high school, i haven't been able to focus. when i read a book, a lot of times i'll get to the bottom of the page, and i'm like, "what the hell did i just read?", because 2,347 thoughts were bouncing around inside my head while i was reading. it was the same all through college.
it just got to the point recently that i decided it was time to take action about it. my mom was convinced it was ADD. i took the little online test, and it pretty much said, "yeah...you gots it!". so, i got some samples of strattera to try.
i'm pretty anti-medicine. i haven't always been that way, but over the past 10 years or so, i've just lost faith in it. i can't believe i'm going to type this, but that is what this blog shit is for, right?
when i feel sick...maybe a headache, or i feel sick to my stomach...i will put my hand on the spot where it feels bad, and focus on trying to make it not feel bad anymore....ok...now that i've typed that, i am really wanting to go back and delete it! but i won't.
anyways, sometimes it seems to actually help! my dad was a healer, at least when he was younger. i never got to talk to him about how he did it. i never talked to him about a lot of things i wish i had. but this ADD, or whatever...i just couldn't shake it. i couldn't focus on work. i'd sit down to start something, and 20 minutes later i'd be off doing something else. i told paul, i'm REALLY good at getting something rolling...it is the FINISHING that i have trouble with. i think i just need to be an idea guy somewhere. =)
so i started taking this medicine. and for the first day or so, it seemed like maybe it was working. when i'd start something, i would really stay on task. the funny thing is that the medicine really has no way to control WHAT you focus on. so if i started just randomly surfing the internet, i might get caught up in that for HOURS!
as the month has passed, the effectiveness of it seems to have started to fade. also, i started to forget to take it regularly (maybe that had something to do with the drop off in performance!). anyway, a few days ago i completely forgot to take it. so i've decided that i'm going to stop taking it completely. looking back on when i started it, i think i was just particularly stressed out. the moving, business, and all that "real life" crap that i hate.
but that is part of life. the stress. the anxiety. the good AND the bad. besides...i don't think i have ADD...i'm just a dangerous mixture of procrastinator and slacker. =)
well...i'm not going to put off going to bed. i'm zapped. good night! i'll leave you with this, from mitch hedberg. i think i'll try to incorporate a little piece of his humor every time i write one of these.
"i had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said, "where do you see yourself in five years?", and i said, "celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!""
hey...2 days in a row!
today was a pretty good one. still didn't get very much accomplished. too tired from sitting in the barn last night with my sister waiting on a baby horse that never came. i think she just ate too much.
the horse.
not my sister.
i managed to plant about half the vegetables that have been on my porch for a week. i'll try to get the other half thursday.
i'm in a counting crows/wallflowers mood tonight. not sure why. i had a really good day. found out that i'll probably be moving the office out of the house and into the UK Regional Technology Center in town, and doing their site for them. Sometimes I do this...
i met (well, an online meeting) a great soul last night. i mentioned her site yesterday. i'd like to put a link to it in here, but i want to see if that is ok with her, first. it did my heart good to find out that there are people like her out there. sometimes, it seems like i'm surrounded by robots. i mean, my friends aren't robots. they are great. but, in the search for that "someone", it can get pretty frustrating feeling like there is no one out there that thinks about shit the way i do.
i have no idea how things will go, or if we'll ever even chat again. i really hope so. she was completely cool. but it does give me hope...and scares me at the same time. i mean, i don't think that girls like her come along every day. i've met ONE other girl this cool before...and she is marrying one of my best friends in a few weeks.
not every girl likes to play in mud, dance in the rain, go fishing, drink beers...not every girl understands what it is like to sometimes just need to be sad for a while, or what it is like to sometimes feel like your life is a movie. i wonder how many ARE out there?!?
tonight was very stormy for a while. after planting my weak-ass little plants and taking a shower, i made some dinner. grilled some corn...first time i've tried that. very good. after dinner, i sat on the porch in my rocking chair, drank a beer, smoked a camel, and watched the storm roll over the hill towards my house.
i wished i had a camera that i could have just pointed in that direction and then opened the shutter for like 10 minutes. the sky was amazing, and the lightning bugs were going crazy. i could kind of see the picture in my head. it was cool. =)
i really want a camera, but i'm so afraid that my foray into photography will end like most of my ideas...collecting dust on the shelf. but i think this would be different. i've always loved taking pictures, but i've never had the right equipment. i think it would inspire me.
i really like the comedian mitch hedberg...SOOOO funny. in one of his routines, he talks about doing standup. how you have to start off strong, and end strong...those are the 2 key elements. he said, "you can't be like pancakes...all exciting at first, but by the end, you're fucking sick of 'em!"
everything i do is like eating pancakes. what a way to live.
well, it is 12:40. i am so tired. long day tomorrow. bed soon. really.
the horse.
not my sister.
i managed to plant about half the vegetables that have been on my porch for a week. i'll try to get the other half thursday.
i'm in a counting crows/wallflowers mood tonight. not sure why. i had a really good day. found out that i'll probably be moving the office out of the house and into the UK Regional Technology Center in town, and doing their site for them. Sometimes I do this...
i met (well, an online meeting) a great soul last night. i mentioned her site yesterday. i'd like to put a link to it in here, but i want to see if that is ok with her, first. it did my heart good to find out that there are people like her out there. sometimes, it seems like i'm surrounded by robots. i mean, my friends aren't robots. they are great. but, in the search for that "someone", it can get pretty frustrating feeling like there is no one out there that thinks about shit the way i do.
i have no idea how things will go, or if we'll ever even chat again. i really hope so. she was completely cool. but it does give me hope...and scares me at the same time. i mean, i don't think that girls like her come along every day. i've met ONE other girl this cool before...and she is marrying one of my best friends in a few weeks.
not every girl likes to play in mud, dance in the rain, go fishing, drink beers...not every girl understands what it is like to sometimes just need to be sad for a while, or what it is like to sometimes feel like your life is a movie. i wonder how many ARE out there?!?
tonight was very stormy for a while. after planting my weak-ass little plants and taking a shower, i made some dinner. grilled some corn...first time i've tried that. very good. after dinner, i sat on the porch in my rocking chair, drank a beer, smoked a camel, and watched the storm roll over the hill towards my house.
i wished i had a camera that i could have just pointed in that direction and then opened the shutter for like 10 minutes. the sky was amazing, and the lightning bugs were going crazy. i could kind of see the picture in my head. it was cool. =)
i really want a camera, but i'm so afraid that my foray into photography will end like most of my ideas...collecting dust on the shelf. but i think this would be different. i've always loved taking pictures, but i've never had the right equipment. i think it would inspire me.
i really like the comedian mitch hedberg...SOOOO funny. in one of his routines, he talks about doing standup. how you have to start off strong, and end strong...those are the 2 key elements. he said, "you can't be like pancakes...all exciting at first, but by the end, you're fucking sick of 'em!"
everything i do is like eating pancakes. what a way to live.
well, it is 12:40. i am so tired. long day tomorrow. bed soon. really.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
my first chip related incident...
recently, i ordered some plants from the internet (no...not THAT kind of plant!!).
anyway, i hadn't heard anything back about my order, and i sat down this morning to write an email to them. i just wanted to make sure they got it.
i had typed about 2 lines, and i heard a horn honking outside. it was the postman. he had a package that was too big for the box.
i'll give you 3 guesses what it was. =)
my plants!
the funny thing is, it says in big letters on top of the box, "Krackin Premium Plants", and then i came outside to get it from the mailman wearing a Black Crowes t-shirt with 2 crows on the front smoking joints.
wonder if he had any thoughts about what might be inside that box? =)
anyway, i hadn't heard anything back about my order, and i sat down this morning to write an email to them. i just wanted to make sure they got it.
i had typed about 2 lines, and i heard a horn honking outside. it was the postman. he had a package that was too big for the box.
i'll give you 3 guesses what it was. =)
my plants!
the funny thing is, it says in big letters on top of the box, "Krackin Premium Plants", and then i came outside to get it from the mailman wearing a Black Crowes t-shirt with 2 crows on the front smoking joints.
wonder if he had any thoughts about what might be inside that box? =)
Monday, May 24, 2004
ok...i really suck at this
well, apparently that last attempt at keeping up with this thing that i made 3 weeks ago didn't quite take. i think about stuff i'd like to write everyday, but i never actually sit down and do it. story of my life, up 'till now.
i have gotten better about some things, but i'm still a work in progress on many others...and i probably always will be. the one thing i'm most proud of is that i've actually been getting outside and doing work around the house lately. living in lexington, i didn't really ever have to do that. i was definitely becoming the overweight, ghost-white, computer geek stereotype. but being back here has inspired me to do more...to live more. i'm happy about that.
so what is my inspiration for writing here today? well, i got an email this morning from someone i met online. she included a link to her site, and i was totally fascinated. (if you're reading this, becky, your site is great). she has a wonderful way of expressing herself, both in her writing and her artwork. i lingered on the site far longer than i should have (i have so much work i'm behind on). anyways, she really inspired me to get back in here and write.
i love to write, but i don't take the time to do it as often as i should. i've been getting good feedback from family and friends, though, about my writing at morganminute.com, and that makes me feel great.
i've also added a "chip related incident" today. i guess i should explain the "chip theory"...but i won't....just yet. soon. =)
ok...time for lunch, writing back to becky, and then working....and probably about 17 other unscheduled things in between all of those.
i have gotten better about some things, but i'm still a work in progress on many others...and i probably always will be. the one thing i'm most proud of is that i've actually been getting outside and doing work around the house lately. living in lexington, i didn't really ever have to do that. i was definitely becoming the overweight, ghost-white, computer geek stereotype. but being back here has inspired me to do more...to live more. i'm happy about that.
so what is my inspiration for writing here today? well, i got an email this morning from someone i met online. she included a link to her site, and i was totally fascinated. (if you're reading this, becky, your site is great). she has a wonderful way of expressing herself, both in her writing and her artwork. i lingered on the site far longer than i should have (i have so much work i'm behind on). anyways, she really inspired me to get back in here and write.
i love to write, but i don't take the time to do it as often as i should. i've been getting good feedback from family and friends, though, about my writing at morganminute.com, and that makes me feel great.
i've also added a "chip related incident" today. i guess i should explain the "chip theory"...but i won't....just yet. soon. =)
ok...time for lunch, writing back to becky, and then working....and probably about 17 other unscheduled things in between all of those.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Ok...let's try this again...
it is now 5:09 pm, monday may 3rd, 2004
well, i know that said it when i started this damn thing, but this time i'm really gonna make an effort to keep this thing going. unfortunately, right after i got this thing set up back in january, i had to start getting ready for my move out of lexington and to west liberty.
well, i'm all settled in now (even though i've still got shit in boxes everywhere!) so here we go!
today is my mom's birthday. she still isn't feeling too good. my sister took her to visit with my aunt for the day, so that is nice. hope they have fun.
i had to go to mom's to sit and wait on a package from Fedex that was arriving today. when the package showed up, it was this sexy driver that delivered a package to me last week at MY home.
when i came outside, she recognized me and said, "so are you here AND out on 705?" i told her it was my mom's birthday and she wanted a day on the town, so i came over to wait on the package. she is definitely cute. she is probably a little older than i am...but sexy. very cool that she remembered me. she may have even given me a little smile...not sure about that part, though. =) "Dear Penthouse..."
had a hard time sleeping last night. i'm still sore from a day of drinking and volleyball playing on Derby Day. in addition, i watched the Sopranos right before bed, and i was in a semi-conscious dream state all night long, and most of it involved me being in a mafia family. it was very disturbing at times! the worst part was that it wore me out...i tossed and turned until almost 6 this morning before finally falling asleep. when the alarm went off at 8, i could barely move! crazy fucking night!
in addition, i had a dream about my life last night. the damnable misery of it was that my dream life was better than my REAL life! it was one of those dreams where you wake up and it takes a second or 2 to sink in that you've just been dreaming...then you're like, "shit!! no!". i met like the perfect girl, we were in love, and even in the dream, it felt like nothing i've ever experienced in a relationship. i was like, "ah! this is what true love feels like! i've finally found it!" then POOF! you are awake. fuck that!
i still sometimes dream about "thegirl" from time to time. she seems to somehow always slip into my mind and my dreams. i'm not sure that it was her in my dream last night, but i think it was maybe the IDEA of her. i really don't know. damn it all to hell!
oh well...
well, i know that said it when i started this damn thing, but this time i'm really gonna make an effort to keep this thing going. unfortunately, right after i got this thing set up back in january, i had to start getting ready for my move out of lexington and to west liberty.
well, i'm all settled in now (even though i've still got shit in boxes everywhere!) so here we go!
today is my mom's birthday. she still isn't feeling too good. my sister took her to visit with my aunt for the day, so that is nice. hope they have fun.
i had to go to mom's to sit and wait on a package from Fedex that was arriving today. when the package showed up, it was this sexy driver that delivered a package to me last week at MY home.
when i came outside, she recognized me and said, "so are you here AND out on 705?" i told her it was my mom's birthday and she wanted a day on the town, so i came over to wait on the package. she is definitely cute. she is probably a little older than i am...but sexy. very cool that she remembered me. she may have even given me a little smile...not sure about that part, though. =) "Dear Penthouse..."
had a hard time sleeping last night. i'm still sore from a day of drinking and volleyball playing on Derby Day. in addition, i watched the Sopranos right before bed, and i was in a semi-conscious dream state all night long, and most of it involved me being in a mafia family. it was very disturbing at times! the worst part was that it wore me out...i tossed and turned until almost 6 this morning before finally falling asleep. when the alarm went off at 8, i could barely move! crazy fucking night!
in addition, i had a dream about my life last night. the damnable misery of it was that my dream life was better than my REAL life! it was one of those dreams where you wake up and it takes a second or 2 to sink in that you've just been dreaming...then you're like, "shit!! no!". i met like the perfect girl, we were in love, and even in the dream, it felt like nothing i've ever experienced in a relationship. i was like, "ah! this is what true love feels like! i've finally found it!" then POOF! you are awake. fuck that!
i still sometimes dream about "thegirl" from time to time. she seems to somehow always slip into my mind and my dreams. i'm not sure that it was her in my dream last night, but i think it was maybe the IDEA of her. i really don't know. damn it all to hell!
oh well...
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
my first REAL entry..
well, today is my first real blahg entry. i know that no one in the world will ever find and read this, but what the hell, right?
anyways.
i worked at home today. we don't have internet access at the office anymore, so i sorta have to. i've been home for like 2 weeks now. i keep thinking about the move home. i'm going to see a house tomrrow. i'm hoping it is going to be great, but for some reason i don't feel like it is going to be what i'm looking for. i realize that it is only going to be a temporary solution until i can build or buy something, but that is likely a year or 2 away, so i need to like it while i'm there.
i'm just afraid it isn't going to be big enough. also afraid it won't have washer/dryer hookups. no dsl right now, but it is supposed to be available by april. we'll see.
i was just sitting here and thinking how cool it is that right now, that little fucking rover is on mars cutting its cable, and getting ready to start moving around, and we are like 40 million miles away..nowhere near that little thing. i don't know...i just think that it is good to sometimes actually stop and take a look at what is going on around us.
sometimes i play this game where i'm driving to work or around town, and i try to imagine that i've never seen any of this before. like lexington is new to me. to make it feel like it does when i actually DO see a new town. sometimes, i'm actually able to do it. to feel like a visitor in a new place. basically, i've been trying to use that same approach to what is happening with the mars rover.
we live in a world where we can't tell what is real and what is not in a movie anymore. everything is assumed. if we don't have it, we soon will. we just haven't decided that we NEED it yet. but we could do it if we wanted to. living in a world like this...it is hard to appreciate great things when they happen. everyone thinks it is no big deal. in some ways, i think that after we landed on the moon, the dreamer in all of us sort of died.
there was nowhere left to explore. we'd been to space, and now we had conquered the moon. what is left? what can impress after something like that? the funny thing is, growing up, i had no idea that we had been to the moon more than once. NONE. i didn't know it until the movie Apollo 13 came out. no one ever bothered to mention it. we've been to the moon...yadda yadda yadda. that's it! that is how unimportant it became to everyone. nevermind what an amazing feat it was that we even GOT to the fucking thing! we went back! again and again! it wasn't until people almost DIED trying to go back that anybody even took notice again! hell...i'm betting i'm not the only one that had to learn about the other trips from that movie. we are a nation that relies on movies to teach us history. movies have altered the way we SEE reality.
i think that is also why no one worries about a huge fucking screaming fireball the size of texas slamming into the globe. because the movie armageddon already told us that all we need to do is fire some drillers up there with a nuclear weapon to blow the fucker apart, and all will be ok. doesn't it scare the shit out of anyone else to know that we HAVE no plan if a huge fucking screaming fireball the size of texas starts heading this way? doesn't it scare anyone to know that when it comes right down to it, the people in charge of saving our lives...no...of saving the HUMAN RACE..may have to actually borrow an idea FROM A FUCKING MOVIE?!? SHIT! IT SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF ME!
but not enough to worry about. =)
anyways.
i worked at home today. we don't have internet access at the office anymore, so i sorta have to. i've been home for like 2 weeks now. i keep thinking about the move home. i'm going to see a house tomrrow. i'm hoping it is going to be great, but for some reason i don't feel like it is going to be what i'm looking for. i realize that it is only going to be a temporary solution until i can build or buy something, but that is likely a year or 2 away, so i need to like it while i'm there.
i'm just afraid it isn't going to be big enough. also afraid it won't have washer/dryer hookups. no dsl right now, but it is supposed to be available by april. we'll see.
i was just sitting here and thinking how cool it is that right now, that little fucking rover is on mars cutting its cable, and getting ready to start moving around, and we are like 40 million miles away..nowhere near that little thing. i don't know...i just think that it is good to sometimes actually stop and take a look at what is going on around us.
sometimes i play this game where i'm driving to work or around town, and i try to imagine that i've never seen any of this before. like lexington is new to me. to make it feel like it does when i actually DO see a new town. sometimes, i'm actually able to do it. to feel like a visitor in a new place. basically, i've been trying to use that same approach to what is happening with the mars rover.
we live in a world where we can't tell what is real and what is not in a movie anymore. everything is assumed. if we don't have it, we soon will. we just haven't decided that we NEED it yet. but we could do it if we wanted to. living in a world like this...it is hard to appreciate great things when they happen. everyone thinks it is no big deal. in some ways, i think that after we landed on the moon, the dreamer in all of us sort of died.
there was nowhere left to explore. we'd been to space, and now we had conquered the moon. what is left? what can impress after something like that? the funny thing is, growing up, i had no idea that we had been to the moon more than once. NONE. i didn't know it until the movie Apollo 13 came out. no one ever bothered to mention it. we've been to the moon...yadda yadda yadda. that's it! that is how unimportant it became to everyone. nevermind what an amazing feat it was that we even GOT to the fucking thing! we went back! again and again! it wasn't until people almost DIED trying to go back that anybody even took notice again! hell...i'm betting i'm not the only one that had to learn about the other trips from that movie. we are a nation that relies on movies to teach us history. movies have altered the way we SEE reality.
i think that is also why no one worries about a huge fucking screaming fireball the size of texas slamming into the globe. because the movie armageddon already told us that all we need to do is fire some drillers up there with a nuclear weapon to blow the fucker apart, and all will be ok. doesn't it scare the shit out of anyone else to know that we HAVE no plan if a huge fucking screaming fireball the size of texas starts heading this way? doesn't it scare anyone to know that when it comes right down to it, the people in charge of saving our lives...no...of saving the HUMAN RACE..may have to actually borrow an idea FROM A FUCKING MOVIE?!? SHIT! IT SCARES THE FUCK OUT OF ME!
but not enough to worry about. =)
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